I don’t know when I started realizing that I had to depend primarily on myself. Don’t get me wrong there are plenty of people whom I love and trust. They have their own lives though, and I can’t expect then to be my will power through the hard times.
I used to have a friend who I thought was my friend-soulmate. We had so many shared interests, the same sarcastic humor, and hated ‘the man’ (a.k.a. the school staff who favored the partying and athletic kids). We were the outcasts of our high school and clung to each other through the worst times. Or what we thought were the worst times. We both had depression issues, mine were worse, and I had anxiety on top of it. This was due to serious medical issues from our pasts and bullying in my case. We healed each other and used each other as life rafts. For her help I will always be thankful.
Eventually in my junior and senior years, I went through some…things. Sexual assault from someone I considered my best guy friend, a boyfriend who cheated on me when I didn’t give into his advances, and a very sick grandfather were only a few of the occurrences I dealt with.
Through all of this I just needed support from my friend. At this point she didn’t want anything but fun and pushed me aside when I wasn’t ‘fun’ anymore.
I had to pick myself up from the ground again. Of course my mother was there, but for the first time it was ultimately myself that had to push through it all. My mother couldn’t hold my hand through the anger, my friend wasn’t there for a shoulder to cry on, and I had to keep a rational mind in order to begin college. I had me, myself, and I.
And I did it. I realized my love for writing and editing, and I made the decision to switch from a psychology major to English. I powered through the grief and focused on my classes. My security in my own strength and mind increased. Eventually I began to love myself like I had never before.
I felt more accepting of myself and others because I know now that you never know what a person is going through. I remet myself and gained so much willpower and knowledge from what I went through.
You have yourself through it all. Be kind to yourself.